01 June 2017

Reaching Out.

The past few months have been rough for me. I was made redundant and out of a job in October. Things like this I take personally even though I know it was probably just a business decision I still wonder what I did wrong and what I could have changed. It still hurts and I'm fighting to move past it. My beautiful husband has taken on a higher role at his work meaning much more responsibility and more stressful days for him. He is working super hard to learn and manage much more than one person possibly can.

 In particular this past week or two has been really hard, on reflection I understand more of what was going on. I found an amazing position advertised, I applied and got an interview. Everything felt right, it felt good and I kept constantly reminding myself that it might not happen but it didn't stop my mind from wandering on the possibilities. I received the dreaded email that I really was not expecting, I didn't get the job. I have coped well with every other knock back or not being contacted at all. This one hit hard and left me shattered. The following few days I fought and picked myself up as best I could knowing I just had to keep looking and I did.

This week I just found that wall I'd hit was just too hard to punch through. It was one wall too many. During those few days I felt so alone and worthless. I felt a burden on everyone and everything around me and no one wanted me anyway. I knew none of it was true but believing things is sometimes really hard without a bit of help.

Some of you saw part of the spiral, a kind few helped pull me out of the darkness when I had no idea how to help myself. They reminded me that I'm not alone, it's not easy to find work and I very much deserved all the hugs that were sent. To those people, thank you. Thank you for picking me up, for just being with me and talking to me. Thank you for challenging my thoughts and helping me break down that wall, I could not have done it without any of you.

I'm sure someone by now, if they made it this far, is wondering why I am sharing all this?! It's really hard for me to share anything, I'm a very private person and I rarely even let my parents into a lot of things. I wanted to share because I wanted to show the good in the world. I wanted to reflect and help myself to heal a bit. I wanted to thank the people that reached when I was alone and needed it most. I wanted to make sure no one else ever feels alone, you are beautiful and very wanted in this world. I wanted to remind myself, I'm not weak or crazy or broken, I'm human.