Toward the end of last year things got hectic with home life and I ran out of things to write about that I thought you would be interested in reading. Christmas and the new year happened and they are always busy with visiting family and spending time enjoying everyone at home and doing some fun things together.
Fast forward to Feb and Sprocket started school which was also the beginning of a new routine for me with juggling work and kids. I think I have spoken before about my commute 3 days a week with both of them and it wasn't easy but I did not see the impact that change would have.
By the time April/May rolled around I was not me anymore, well I felt OK but that's not what others saw. I came to realise I was always cross and grumpy and taking it out on my family. I began reading and feeling more, trying to understand what was going on. Why was I always sad and angry and wanting to escape and hide? I felt I just couldn't anymore. I couldn't make a decision, I struggled to take care of my kids, I didn't want to eat much and I didn't want to sleep much either.
I made a decision, I started talking to trusted people, I discussed it with Moo. I decided to get help and go to the Dr.
So I went. I sat and waited outside his door with my then 2yo. For the first time ever I had an anxiety attack although I didn't know it at the time. One of the most difficult times was sitting there ready to fall to pieces and still having to care for my Giz. He gave me a referral to a Psychologist whom I saw a number of times and he was wonderful in helping me get back on track. I wasn't diagnosed with anything chronic, I just needed help at that point in my life.
During those few months, I was not fun to be around. I had reoccurring anxiety attacks, 3 or 4 a day at times and it was awful. Just functioning as a person was difficult let alone trying to raise my children and support my husband.
It took a number of months to get though the darkness and feel my normal self again. I am very thankful for those that supported me through it, they know who they are.
Why am I posting this now?
The time feels right to share my story in the hope that others will benefit. My psyc told me to journal as a means to releasing stress which at the time was helpful. Right now I feel myself on the downward spiral again so I am taking action before I find myself in another hole.
I am glad that I can recognise the behaviors now and can take action. I have no idea what is causing my anxiety this time around but some thinking will help me discover the cause. Today and over the weekend it will be little steps and hour by hour sight on things. Remembering to be in the now and enjoy what is going on rather than dwelling on the past or fearing the future.
If you struggle with life or need someone, please reach out and seek help. There is always someone around to listen. Seek local support lines, they are open 24 hrs and can get you through a rough patch.
xx Natanie
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